Friday, January 28, 2011

Big Mouth Strikes Again

Any Smiths fans? You'll recognize the title if you are.

On my blog I have a tab called Miscellaneous Musings – a little spot I created for the times when I may meander off the topic of travel and just write what's going on in my head. Like now for example. I was thinking today thank God I have this blog to get all my adventures, thoughts, whatever's, out in the open because if I didn't I swear I'd be an ocean wave, no, change that - a tsunami of blab to the first person who says hello and expresses interest in my life and travels!!

Before leukemia took over our lives, Robbie and I would talk ALL the time (or have a few arguments - life together as a couple wasn't always perfect). We never shut up. We talked about everything; current events, politics, told stupid jokes, every day life stuff – it never got boring and I loved every minute of it. Of course we had our quiet moments – when we were asleep! But honestly, from the minute we'd wake up to the time we went to bed – lots of talking!! Even when we were at work there would be periodical emails just to say Hi or to check on each other's day; how's it going? Good day or blah day? What we were having for dinner, grocery lists, whose turn was it to pick up the Vodka. If he had to go away on business there'd be phone calls and more emails, just never-ending communications. I become so used to it I honestly would catch myself when I was alone sporadically wondering what I'd do without it and I hated it when those thoughts would come into my head and would just as quickly forget about it. The fear became a reality six years later. Suddenly you go from everything to nothing but a very loud quiet and it's a serious adjustment. Still is almost three years later.

So now I catch myself becoming more aware of big mouth potentially striking again when I talk to others. During and after conversations with whomever, in my head I'm thinking "Holy shit Steve shut up, you're talking too much!" I've done that a lot with family and friends and even strangers! It makes me laugh sometimes because I'm so aware of it that I'm talking too much. Actually, I think I'm aware of it almost as much as the people around me. Makes me sad too. So why is the babble so rampant in me? Loneliness could be one reason. Missing what I what I had and trying, unsuccessfully, to recreate what doesn't exist anymore could be the other. Either way it's still a tough lesson to learn that you can't go back no matter what you do and that knowledge can be/is a punch to the gut. It's also extremely important to know and accept as well. Hard though – very, very hard.

The point, and I'm getting to it, is that in my mind and out loud I'm thankful for the blog. Yeah granted it's a one sided conversation but as long as I enjoy writing it and have the extra bonus of it being enjoyed by others then that's very satisfying. Just please let me know if I babble too much k?? Ok musings over!!J